2020 : Expectation and Reality (Life of Fi)

Hello Twenty Twenty!

You just appeared in a blink of an eye. I still remember those days when the former Prime Minister (and the current one) announced about Wawasan 2020, I was so anticipating it. Honestly, I have the same imagination of flying cars, mobile hand phone, cool gadgets..well something like the Back to The Future movie. It may sound like am copying other people but no! It's true. Maybe we were in the same batch. Waiting eagerly for the day to come.

Suddenly, tadaaaa! "Here I am", said Twenty Twenty.

And I was like.. Shit! Shit! Shit! (the never ending one).

Towards the end of December 2019, I was still ignoring twenty twenty as if it's not gonna happen anytime soon. By early January, I was a bit scared because my 3 series number is somehow getting bigger. Blew candles (yeay), wishes and gifts (cool), replying each and every message received (wow)...and then something struck my head. I wasn't actually ready. That simple moment disturbed my mind until now, while I am blankly looking at the screen, typing.

What actually I need to be ready for? I often asked myself that question.

It's sort of a conflict, you see. The living me, and the thoughts inside my head. Physically, I worry nothing but deep inside, I know that I can't fulfill all my wishes and dreams, just because it is almost impossible.

Okay so I discounted it for few weeks. I expect to start everything in February. January was just like a present I gave to myself to enjoy a tiny bit of life, before I started to be the real me (the one controlled by my head); struggling.

Today, as I look at the calendar on the corner of my Lenovo ThinkPad screen, I started to think that I still can't do whatever my expectation asked me to do.I'm still not ready. I know myself very well. When I start to commit to list of wishes or bucket-list (they say), am gonna be frustrated of the abandoned un-achievable list.From there, I'll blame myself for not working too hard for it. Then, I am going to be stressful. I won't stop thinking about it. I will desperately need to travel (to beaches mostly), and I will finally redo the list and repeat the exact same steps from the beginning.

Such a pathetic dream catcher, I am.

My expectation that my life is going to be easier is too ambitious. I knew it won't. The people around me didn't tolerate it. The weak support system. Very limited capital to even start some plans. The unexpected tasks on my small plate. The day-to-day routine that's quite boring. The time consuming do-nothing-at-home activity. The unstable emotion led to more burden inside the head. The negative surrounding. The lack-of-motivation people around that indirectly influenced me to keep things at a very slow pace. The system that is not much in favor of an M40 or urban poor like me. The this, that, those, yadda yadda...

What an excuse!

I don't like to hear people giving excuses to escape from reality. And now I am one of them.

Look, I am nothing wrong when I say most of my expectations are not going to have any place in the real world. Reality suck. But hey, I'm the one who chose them.

I chose my life partner with high expectation that my Cinderella dream will come true. Heck no. My struggle is even real.

I chose my circle with the expectation that those people will one day help me to become 'somebody'. But I realized that they won't be able to do anything unless I work hard for it.

I chose to be in the real estate industry as a negotiator but then I realized that I don't even have time to commit. Hence, my interest towards it faded away.

I chose to plan my annual travel trip, year in year out. Yes, the cash flow limit it.

I chose to have a perfect weekly and monthly checklist of almost everything from skincare routine to reading and blogging checklist. Do I update my blog? Yes, once in a blue moon.

There you go. Expectation vs Reality. Eventually, reality took over all my expectations and left me with nothing but sorrow.

To overcome that (the disappointment and all), I plan to do it differently this year. An expensive Organizer will no longer be my best buddy. Actually, second best buddy. Coffee is my ultimate best buddy. Whatever.

I plan to stay low, slow and steady. This is not me for sure. Okay, let me rephrase it.

This year, I plan to stay simple and more relax. I need to lower down my expectations because I know expectations can sometimes kill me inside. I can still have beautiful dreams but I need to keep the pace very very steady, not too fast because obviously the one closest to me will not be able to catch it. I plan to go with the flow because yeah, some are slow.

In the end, it's not my dream that I am catering for, it's someone else'. Duh.

However, I am confident that I can still achieve few simple resolutions as long as I stick to the plan. I trust myself because I managed to achieve few big wish lists and made it come true. I am pretty sure that I can still do some despite the obstacles around me.

I'll focus more on self-development righteously. My family will definitely be my main focus besides my job and career. Financial management is the part that still keep me sane till now. I'm glad that I can survive without any credit card for almost 3 years now.  Hobbies and social activities will be the indirect support system to keep me away from thinking too much.

So, yeah.

I have to give up to my expectations because the reality is REAL. I need to always keep in my mind that I am the one responsible for every choices I made. Good or bad, no turning back. Go through and face it. Move forward even though the pasts seems to be sweeter to keep.

Twenty Twenty, I think I am ready for you.

....Nkay
Wait, where did I put my organizer again?